feeling a little down again…

i’m sneezing and my mouth tastes like chalk

like the chalky taste of powdered medicine

i don’t know why i am sneezing but i am

it feels like all the warnings are coming true – a bit light headed, dizy, tired. dry chalky mouth. this is how i feel at 11:26pm on a monday night. an hour and a half after taking my first anti-depressant. a small tiny little pill. the little fucker is an active fucker. the little white pill. a little shaving of a pill.

taking one a day is supposed to help me find balance. but the three page sheet of warnings and instructions is enough to make one depressed. how’s this for a kicker… ???

ANTIDEPRESSANT MEDICINES MAY INCREASE THE RISK OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND BEHAVIORS IN CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS, AND POSSIBLY ADULTS, WHO HAVE SEVERE DEPRESSION OR CERTAIN OTHER MENTAL OR MOOD DISORDERS. Children, adolescents and adults who take this medicine should be monitored daily for any worsening of their condition, thoughts of hurting themselves, or any other sudden or unusual changes in mood or behaviour, especially during the first few months after starting this medicine…

and that is just part of the first paragraph! it goes on for three pages in similar fashion.

bleh. so i sit here, trying to enjoy my tea, posting photos to flickr and sneezing every now and then. my eyes feel a bit heavy though. probably because of the late hour. it is definitely time to get some zzz’s.

i feel bad about somethings i should have had done for ksa. it is not that it is not getting done, when motions came up on the issues, i did note i would probably need longer than i was given to get the stuff together — and that has been true. part of it is my own fault, because of my depression, everything has lagged behind. nothing is a lost cause on that front – i will write a simple letter about it and lay out a time frame for when stuff will be ready. i think i will be brutally honest in it – about how i have been on a personal level – a lot of people know but there are some who i know have been trying to use things against me. there will be no problem in getting the stuff done before the first meeting of the KSA in January. and i will put some extra work in to make up for anything i did not do up until now, to go that extra mile. but on other things, for example – the way i have decided to rework our budget has resulted in more work being done than i thought would need to be done – but it will give us a much more useful budget in terms of tracking spending, one that i hope will need little to no amendments as the year goes on. so it’s about balance on one hand, and ensuring people know where i am at. i did let another meeting go by without submitting a report, and i feel bad about that. i know when i do that, i give my opponent more ammunition. but i don’t even want to be an opponent. it’s stupid. i want to be compassionate, cooperative, understanding.

– Steve

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